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Nosy Girl: All up in your olfactory business




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When did you become such an asshole?

Yes, Bubs, I'm talking to you. Here's a list of all the asshole things you've been doing:

1. You say "no" to every question ever asked of you always. 

But you've also started being really funny, on purpose (which I take a lot credit for, btw). This is a recap of your first ever bit:

Teacher at school: "Bubs, time to wash your hands."

Bubs: "NO!"

T: "Yes, you need to wash your hands before you play, please."

B: "NO!"

(repeat 19 times)

T: "You can't play until you wash your hands."

B: [slowly placing hands in pockets] "But I don't have hands."

2. You've learned that your feet are weapons.

Everytime I have the joy of cleaning your oh-so-shit-filled diaper you fucking hate it.  You hate it. You whine and run away and scream "NO!" (see #1 above). When I finally wrangle you on the table, the one thing you're thrilled about in this process is the removal of the diaper because it gives you full access your penis.

It's the best part of this job, the wiping of your ass, that you cannot stand.  Well, Bubs, lemme tell ya, it's not a peach for me either. 

The tag on this gem: "Chinese peaches dressed in lingerie"

I mean, y'all have seen his work.  It's impressive.  But Bubs, you hate getting you ass wiped so much - you kick you're legs all over the place, schmearing shit errr'where, and busting me square in my jaw. Dude. I am totally trying to make your life better.  

3. You're a backseat driver.  

UGH dude... it's the worst. "GO, MAMA!! DRIVE!!!!" It gets my goat so bad.  To the point I'm desperately fighting the urge to scream: 

I really never swear at my child, just behind his back on the internet = totally different

So instead of that, I taught you that red means stop and green means go.  So now when you scream "GO MAMA," I just ask you what color the light is, you say: "Red means stop" and BOOM, you've STFU without me having to go there.

Oh wait, I forgot you're a two and half year old comedian now. So after about a week of being on board with red light means stop, you're over it.  And you now respond with: "Go anyway!"

In a particularly goat-getting moment this week, I "said" (ok, yelled): "BUBS! There are intricacies of driving that you are just not ready to comprehend!"

And your response was awesome:


WORD.  Your second bit.  You're so rad, dude.

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