(Yes, I know. Poop Googlers, welcome!)
I love Bubs. I really, really do. To the max. Being away from him 50% of the time is torture on my soul. But I have to be honest about this: Sometimes, I just don't wanna. Sometimes, I am counting down the minutes to bedtime. Sometimes, I want nothing more than for Bubs to play by himself so I don't have to play with him. Isn't that awful? It's fucking terrible. I am the world's worst person.
Except, really, I'm not. I'm actually a pretty fucking amazing person (just ask my mom). And amazing people have full lives and embrace all their emotions. So sometimes I'm drained. I give a lot to this life and I'm really proud of that; because I didn't always. And you know what? Not giving a lot to my own life made me feel shitty. And when I feel shitty, I am shitty.
In order not to become shitty, I have to prevent getting drained, from giving everything I've got to others and nothing to myself. I need to replenish. So I take time for me and I sometimes encourage my son to play by himself so mama can recharge. Sue me.
And you know what? Taking this alone time teaches Bubs that when he feels shitty - as he will, it's an inevitable human emotion -
- he learns it's ok to take time for himself. And that shitty moments are just moments; he'll get through them. Even when he needs a little help.
That's my goal as a mother: To teach my son that life is full of emotions and all of them should be honored and all of them are ok.
Sartre said something (really? "something," that's all I've got?! ugh. I was a philosophy minor, for god's sake) about life being about the quantity of experiences, not the quality. In other words, a life full of the endless range of human experiences and emotions is richer than one with only a few good ones. And even though the good ones (you know, happiness and love and joy, blah blah blah) might be the goal, you need the diversity of expereince to get you closer to discovering that happiness.
The difficult emotions are there to teach you things about yourself, to make you grow. But you've got to see them through. You've got to push forward, live them and feel them until you learn what you were intended to learn. If you don't, you get stuck. And you begin to live that emotion. And who wants to live feeling all shitty all the time?
In unrelated news: my divorce is finalized next week.