Back that ass up - part 1

I have a whole bunch of things to write about, but it's probably best to start from the beginning of Bubs' life also known as THE LABOR STORY.  I have always loved to hear the story of my birth and make my mother tell it to me often.  Throughout pregnancy, I asked every mother I knew to tell me their labor stories.  No surprise, but every birth is different.  Spolier alert: mine is long, so you might want to make yourself a drink before diving in.

If you read any of my earlier posts, you know that my goal was to have a natural birth.  No meds, no way - unless you count a glass of wine, which, I ended up not drinking anyway.  I swear NOTHING goes as planned in labor.  So, birth plan = au natural.  Birth reality = well, keep reading.

My due date came and went and my doc induces at 41 weeks so, at 4:00 Friday morning, we arrived at the hospital to get induced and welcome Buddy into the world.

It was time, don't you think?

I was 1cm dialated and only 60% effaced, so we started with a cervical thinning tablet that got inserted into my cooch and effervesced like an alka-seltzer for 4 hours.  That's what I imagine happened, anyway.  After 4 hours, no change.  Next step is the dreaded pitocin.  Have you heard about pitocin?  In my bradley method birthing class, we learned all about it.  In a nutshell, it speeds up and intensifies contractions to an insane degree and makes natural birth very difficult, aka hurts like a mother fucker...in fact it IS a mother fucker because it fucks mothers out of nautral childbirth.  Or so I thought...

After a full dose of pitocin = a total of 26cc over 5 hours NOTHING HAPPENED.  Literally.  No contractions, no dreaded pain, no fucking of this mother.  On one level, yay!  On another, uh... what the hell?  Still 1cm and 60% effaced.  Doc wants to break my water.  We say no.  Doc says cool, how about you eat dinner, take a shower, and at 6pm we try another cervical thinning drug that sits in your cooch for 12 hours and we pick this up in the morning.  Hell, I'll even give you an Ambien so you can get some great sleep and be ready and rested for your natural childbirth.  We say BOOM!

We ordered pizza and I bathed in a shower that had 5 shower heads.

Saturday morning I awake.  Ambien = awesome.  12 hour cervical thinning drug = totally ineffective.  NO CHANGE.  Buddy was simply not having it.  Sigh.  Doc wants to break my water, we say no.  Back to 4 hour tablet.  Nothing.  Try another 4 hour tablet.  Nothing.  Yet another 4 hour tablet and still nothing.  Doc wants to break my water and we say no.  Am I ready to get this baby out?  Hells yeah, but clearly Buddy ain't ready so why are pushing it?  Well, we're already here, can't leave, and now I'm a week and a day overdue.  Doc really, really wants to break my water.  So I cut a deal: Considering it's almost 6pm, I haven't eaten or slept all day, let's repeat what we did last night - let me eat, shower, and rest (c'mon Ambien!) and in the morning, I'll be more open to breaking my water.  He counters with adding pitocin at midnight - a little teeny bit, just to keep the process going.  We shake and I send hubby to Kopps to get mama a jumbo burger and a chocolate malt.

Oooooh yeah!

At 10:00pm, I pop a dose of my new friend Ambien and fall soundly asleep until midnight.  Midnight, you say, when the nurse comes in with the pitocin?  NO!  Midnight when I wake up because my water broke!  Oh Buddy, you're a funny one.  Mom's on 2 hours of sleep and an Ambien?  Great! Natural childbirth will a breeze now. 

PS. The best part of my water breaking is my husband:

I wake up. "Hubby, my water broke!" 

"How do you know?"

"I'm all wet."

I didn't have an umbrella

So let the labor begin.  I'll speed this part up.

12:00am - water breaks.  I am at 2cm

3:00am - 7cm and starting transition (transition = mega labor pain begins)

5:00am - Time to push!  They wheel in "the cart" and I hear the nurse say: "She's gonna push this baby out any minute!" This natural childbirth is going awesome!

6:00am - still pushing

7:00am - still pushing

8:00am - still pushing

9:00am - still pushing

10:00am - STILL PUSHING!!  And nothing.  No head, no crowning, I hadn't even shit the bed yet.  I knew in my bones that this baby wasn't coming out of my vagina.  So, brace yourself, I asked for a C-section.  My doula, my nurses, even my doctor tried to get me to keep pushing, all knowing and supporting my desire for a natural childbirth.  I said no, it's not coming, let's go.  (Hubby is on board with anything I want because he is so mega awesome.  Post about his awesomeness forthcoming)

After 20 hours and big bucks for a bradley method birthing class, 3 meetings with and mega bucks for a doula, 2+ full days of tablets and hospital living, and FIVE HOURS OF PUSHING, I was heading to the operating room. 

Comments

[Simone]

Oh-ehm-gee, I love you. Can't wait to hear the rest!