The big D (ok, the other big D)

When you're sliding into First and you feel that juicy burst, it's...

Divorce (uh-uh) Divorce (uh-uh)

Not the big D I usually discuss here, I know, but a big one nonetheless.

Here are all the sucky emotions I feel:

Sad                    Enraged

Mad                    Lonely

Guilty                 Foolish

Ashamed             Private

Arggh!

But here are some good things I feel, too:

Light                  Peaceful

Hopeful              Whole

Strong                Courageous

Open                  Better

Yeah boyeee!And I feel all of these things all at once lots of the time.  Or did.  I'm doing ok now.  I learned that feeling good things and doing good things for myself doesn't make the world fall apart.  It doesn't make my son fall apart.  And I don't fall apart.

I hope some of you reading this are like:

But the thing is, I know some of you are like:

Cuz I know a lot of us have been there, that constant thought-tape (did I really just say tape? as in cassette tape?) that plays real fucking shitty stuff over and over and over.  The ifs and the shoulds:

If I don't do this lame-ass thing, I am a terrible wife/mother/person.

I should be neglecting me because I can handle the sacrifice that others in my life cannot.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Turning off that tape.  Leaving my marriage.  Splitting up my family.  But I know that I am a better mother to my son now.  I am happier, I am stronger, I am modeling to him what a healthy, happy woman looks like; the kind of person I want him to be with.  I am not modeling a marriage that I don't actually believe in; feeling things I don't want my son to ever feel. Because if I had continued to do that, to teach him that marriage = unhappiness, well, that's what would make me a real shitty mom.

I'm not here to protect him from life. My job is to mindfully and compassionately give him the tools to create a profound, meaningful life full of joy and connection and growth, and yes, some sadness and struggle.  I want to teach him to fight for his heart and his head and his community and for those he loves and for those he doesn't even know.  For truth.  And the only way to do that is to live that.

And here I am.  Living it.

Really, I just want every day to be Birthday Nachos day.