Mega Awesome Things

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Do you hear that?

My breast pump talks to me it.  It only says one thing, over and over and over and over again: breast pump! breast pump! It's voice is akin to the braying of a donkey.  So say "hee-haw" in your best donkey voice.  Now replace the "hee" with "breast" and the "haw" with "pump" but keep the donkey voice.  Breast pump! Breast pump! Now say it once a second for 10 minutes.  Yeah, it's terrible, I know.

Apparently, everyone's breast pump talks to them.  One of my dearies' breast pump said her son's name over and over: "Liam! Liam!" which I thought would be better than "Breast pump! Breast pump!" but no.  Basically any word repeated over and over for 10 minutes is terrible.  My other dearie's pump said: "Let's hope! Let's hope!" which I think would be quite disheartening.

Another awesome thing about my breast pump is when I had to use it in a public bathroom at the Milwaukee Repatory Theatre during intermission of A Christmas Carol.  A public performance of the magic that is breast pumping.  Hey little girl, wanna see my giant nipples stretched to a length of 4 inches as they get sucked into this machine braying "BREAST PUMP! BREAST PUMP! at you?  Merry Christmas!

God bless us, ev'ry one!

Last night I discovered that my pump had a cigarette lighter adapter so I could pump in the car.  I had the brillant idea of DWP - Driving While Pumping.  Clearly I forgot that my car has windows and a windshield that are made of glass.  People can see through glass.  See inside the car.  And can look at you, whatever you're doing.  Like, for example, pumping your breast milk.  Which comes out of your breasts.  Which people can see, because the windows and windshield are made of glass.  Clear glass.  You're welcome, Mr. Truck Driver.  Enjoy the ride!

Honk honk!

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