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Monday
May212012

Oh sexy girlfriend

I am going to preface the following post with this: I love being pregnant, for the most part.  I think I am an adorable, basketball-belly pregnant lady and I love being the center of attention. [Note to self: soak up as much of this attention now cuz once Buddy arrives, you can kiss it goodbye.]  However, there are some personal things that happen during pregnancy that are just not hot.  At all.  This rant will address a few.  If you don't like crass, upfront, honest grossness, you might want to skip this one.

My boobs are freaking enormous.  E-NORM-OUS.  Like 7 inches in diameter.  Each.  And they're not even filled with milk yet.  It's like when I walk, the opening notes from Fat Albert plays as they undulate with each step.  But there's no good time to be had because they're not hot big boobs.  I mean, they're not saggy hideous (yet) either, but it's like their bigness is all that you see.  Just giant, non-sexual, megaboobs. 

 

I have a constant grundy, aka perma-grundy.  I recently discovered the reason for this is two-fold: Fold #1: My undies are getting smaller so my butt isn't fitting inside them.  I have no butt though, so knew this couldn't be the only reason.  For real.  Here's a photo of my butt, or more accurately, lack thereof:

Nothing there but bones encased in a thin skinned W. 

Perma-grundy reason #2: It's the goddamn pantyliners I have to wear now that are getting wedged up my butt, pulling my undies with them.  Why do I have to wear pantyliners, you ask?  Cuz I pee a little bit when I sneeze or laugh or cough or breathe to hard.  Oh, that and the perma-ooze that "is keeping my vagina free of bacteria."  Oh yeah, your vagina leaks, ladies.  File this in the "things people don't tell you" category.  It's pretty awesome.

I have a hairy belly. WTH is up with this?  I know about that line thingie (properly known as linea nigra) I'll get from pubes to bellybutton, but what's with this fuzz, man?  It's like teeny yet noticable dark hairs.  Should I shave my tummy? Let them be?  My lovely hubby says: "It's a good sign" which I think is very sweet and supportive, but is also a lie.  It's not a good sign or a bad one, it's just grody. 

I am 100% postivie that more icky things are a'coming - especially since I started this post with "I think I'm adorable."  Don't worry, I'll be sure to share them all.

 

PS. Name the movie the title of this entry comes from, and you automatically = awesome

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Reader Comments (2)

"Sixteen Candles" baby!!!

I know what you mean about the discharge, big boobs, hating your husband, etc.
November 28, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKate Mehar-Ostrenga
I'm only at 14 weeks and I've tinkled a bit when I sneeze, cough, or puke for the last month or so.
April 14, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermrstinybaum

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